I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
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I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I hope they boil the right one.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!