The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*