10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You Might Also Like
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I’m listening
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?