A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
You Might Also Like
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
this has done me in for some reason
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.