“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.