My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When libraries troll their patrons.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi