Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
this is the greatest thing ever
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”