Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
what it’s like dating me:
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*