You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion