To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
At least my masseuse has my back.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.