[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Lmao
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
When libraries troll their patrons.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
🍛
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’