If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u