Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.