It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
nobody’s gonna understand
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*