Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.