No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”