Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food