10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”