Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.