Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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Morningbreath
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue