Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Things will get butter, keep churning
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*