If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Feels like the fourth month in January
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Great Canadian literature.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them