I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
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Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Still cracks me up
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.