Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting