[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
You Might Also Like
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.