@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?