Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
You Might Also Like
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.