My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
It has been 3 years since Monday.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Dishonest mechanic?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.