In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.