Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
best review i’ve ever seen
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.