Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.