The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?