Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone