“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
This fish is cracking me up
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.