do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Taliband
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.