Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Spell check is for lasers.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.