This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.