You Might Also Like
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
A great tip. #CakeRex
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.