I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed