2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
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I’m being attacked 😭
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Has science gone too far?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?