Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.