lot going on here, legally speaking.
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me trying to reach for my goals
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful