Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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(Gaming support cat.)
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
*mops up wine with cat*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
i really liked this one
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?