At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
You Might Also Like
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I really had high hopes for this year though
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.