THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die