Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
don’t we all
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*