Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.