During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Midwest trash talk
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.