“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
it’s the silliest best thing
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.