It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
You Might Also Like
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.